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What do you think of when you hear the word "Transformation"?

For me it means changing and evolving for the better.  But how does it really feel like when one undergoes the transformation process?  

One thing's for sure -- it is not an easy process.  When you undergo a transformation, it means going back to basics.  Unlearning what you know and accepting new ways.  Sometimes transformation can hit you pretty bad that you think it is not necessary.  But in the long run, it is always important to understand the need for such change.  You may not believe and understand it now, but at least try to give it a chance.

Sometimes hearing the word scares me.  Not because I am afraid of what it brings, but because I am too comfortable where I am now and I think any movement will cause me to fall down.  But hey, I have been through tougher times.  And I will surpass this for sure.
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Troubles and Trials

It's been a loooonnnnggg time since I last wrote down my thoughts.  Times are hard and it's very challenging to keep up with the demands of life.  Sometimes I can't help but wonder why other people are luckier than some.  And then I go on thinking if I am part of the "luckier" ones.  Yes, I may have problems and and challenges that I have to go through but at least I am still alive.  My loved ones are still with me and I can still go through each day, albeit one day at a time.

I wake up every day thinking if I can still go on another day pretending that everything's ok.  And then I finish each day thinking how I was able to go through the entire day without giving up.

And then, I look at the people I love and I know the answer.  It's because of them that I keep on struggling and I keep on fighting.  To the words of my husband, "you are not helpless because everyday you choose to fight".

Life is tough.  But I am tougher.

I can. I will.


My daughter went to school today.  Alone.  For the first time.

I don't know whether I'm happy or sad.  I'm surely proud of her for being so brave and independent at a very young age.  However, I also feel terrible because I can't be there for her.  I know I'm trying my best to be a good mom and to provide for all her needs.  But i still feel inadequate.

I still remember the time I went to school alone for the first time.  I was in Grade 1 and my father went with me on my first day of school and looked for a school service that would take me to school and back home.
On the second day, i was alone.  it was pretty much like what happened to my daughter.  except that today, shuttle services have their own "kuyas" to help the little ones with their things, unlike during my time.

I feel sad because this only means that my little girl is starting to be on her own.  Sooner or later she will be doing things on her own without our help.  And that just makes me sad.…

Separation Anxieties

The little girl's being extra sweet and clingy to me lately. Probably because she knows i'll be back to work soon. She keeps asking me how many more sleeps before i return to work and asks me what she would do if she misses me. She asks me to treat her like a baby and put her to sleep by cradling her and singing songs. 
Every night before she sleeps, she always tells me how much she loves me, her daddy, jakob, lolo and lola. And tonight, she suddenly came to me and held my face in her two little hands and told me, "mommy, lagi mong tatandan, mahal na mahal kita". And then she went on her usual tirade of questions about me going back to work.  And to make my heart melt even more, she told me that she wanted me to just stay at home and be with her and Jakob and that she would miss me when I go back to work.
Now, how can i resist a request like that? No matter how badly i want to just stay at home and take care of them, i just can't. Maybe, just maybe life will be bet…

Easy way out

Yesterday (February 22), i took the easy way out.
It's been almost a week since I gave birth to Jakob Caleb (separate post on my birthing story and the name).  I have been trying to breastfeed him since day 1 and I can say I was somehow successful on the first 4 days.  But came the 5th day...and i was literally crying and screaming every time I nurse him. Everything just seemed so wrong.  He was very fussy, probably because he can't get that much milk yet from me and I was scared of feeding him because i know how painful it's going to be.  We were awake from 1:40 AM until 7:00 AM just because he can't seem to be satisfied with my milk.
Jake decided on Saturday morning to buy him the recommended formula given by the pedia.  And we fed him the bottle, and he fell soundly asleep for about 3 hours.
I know i could have tried harder...but the bottomline is i don't think i can do it.  I have always admired mothers who breastfeed their babies without any problems and I'm …

Few hours away...

Finally, after 37 weeks of waiting, I am now admitted at the hospital and in a few hours I will be giving birth to our precious son, Jakob.
It's entirely different this time...i have more time to prepare and be scared.  Truth is, I'm not nervous. I'm scared...totally.  I want to cry everytime Jenika tells me not to be scared.  Not because I'm scared of needles and the operation.  But because I'm scared something would go wrong.
On the other hand, I am so excited.  After almost 5 years, we're gonna have another baby in the family.  And even Jenika is excited.  Tomorrow afternoon Jakob will be here...for real.  And I can't help but feel the excitement in my bones.
I'm pretty sure by the next post I write, Baby Jakob will be in my arms.  And Daddy, Jenika and me will be even more complete.

The calm before the storm

Exactly 1 week to go before my scheduled CS operation...and I'm starting to get more and more excited and terrified.

In a week's time, we'll have a new baby in the house.  In a week's time, I will be holding our precious boy.  In a week's time, Jenika will be an Ate.  And all of this suddenly came too soon.

I was browsing through my previous Birthing story post and I can't believe that it has been almost 5 years!  Everything seems to be clear in my mind.  The details from my admission to my discharge from the hospital is still clear and vivid.

Next week, I will be repeating those steps and this time, I will be more prepared.  I don't know it that is an advantage or not.

All I'm asking for is for me to have a safe and uncomplicated delivery and for my baby to come out healthy.